Back when I was just hooking up or dating casually, this was the case for me as well, because I could prepare ahead of time more easily than when navigating daily life. However, it seems like other people do anal pretty frequently, and even that it’s the main form of sex that they have. We do it probably once or twice a month, but we do other sexual activities several times a week. And then that effort goes out the window if despite my best efforts I’m not feeling up to it. Without getting too detailed, this means dietary and cleanliness considerations. I’m a bottom so it takes a lot of preparation on my part. How often is normal to do anal in a long-term relationship? My boyfriend and I have great sexual chemistry.
Since you have a good thing going otherwise, though, I’d wait until therapy before making any major decisions.
Mating in Captivity does provide some tips on fostering the distance/mystery/novelty that you crave, but at a certain point you may need to shift gears and look at the relationship not for what it could be, but for what it is. The honeymoon halo has faded and what you might be left with is the reality that you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t exactly push your buttons. But something to consider is whether you’re actually sexually compatible with your partner. Of course, all relationships are different and it is conceivable that you’re in a relatively accelerated version of a pattern that is experienced by many people in relationships. If this isn’t a libido problem, but squarely an issue with your interest in your partner, six months in is on the early side to be feeling this way. You say your insurance sucks, but if you’re feeling a lack of sexual motivation in general, it’s worth checking in with a doctor if you can swing it. The articulation in your letter tells me you’re well on your way to rectifying this situation.įirst, how’s your sex drive overall? A change in libido could result from a host of issues like stress, fatigue, and hormonal changes. The important thing is for you to keep communicating. That might mean adjusting to this relationship style, or it might mean erecting certain boundaries. I think the most practical thing you can do is use your feelings to reevaluate your new relationship-sure, those feelings will fade but they’re bound to return unless you make alterations. As uncomfortable as it can be to experience jealousy and pain, those feelings and your putting them into words both with your husband and in your letter to this column is what processing looks like. But I’m not sure that doing so would provide much comfort even if it were possible. So many factors drive your current sensitivities that ferreting out the exact proportion of their influence would be impossible. The truth is, it’s probably all of the stuff that you mention to some degree.
You express uncertainty of the root causes of your reaction, and yet you articulate many. Placing a few people on the “do not ride” list doesn’t strike me as particularly oppressive, especially if said people have been rude to you in the past or are otherwise triggering. You say you don’t want to stop your boyfriend from having sex with this person should he get the chance again… But do you really not want that? The world is a big place-as someone who had sex with everyone in your mutual friend group prior to marriage, you know this. That’s a lovely idea and having one’s relationship be proof of its concept must feel pretty amazing, but I think a lot of people need to set boundaries to feel secure and maintain the aforementioned all-important consistency.
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Often the philosophy goes like this: You’re with me because you choose and I have no right to tell you how to live your life, even as your partner. Vetoes are somewhat controversial-some open/poly couples are entirely against them. One way to avoid freaking out going forward is to set limits. That your husband didn’t push back defiantly is a good sign of his compassion. But try to remain consistent going forward-when you say something is OK, make sure you’re actually OK with it. You did what you did, and I don’t want to shame you for getting emotional, as you are only human. After you agreed to an open arrangement, it can feel like you are reneging if you freak out when that arrangement is practiced.